blackotter.com

Well so 2010 is off to a banner start.

I am very worried about my cat with whom I spent a very teary and expensive afternoon of the 31st at the vet. Today he seems to me very lethargic and weird. I don’t know if he’s okay or what. He apparently has an issue with his liver. I don’t know what to do. I have the name of a cat vet that I may have to take him to. blarg.

Second is waiting on information from a friend who says everything is ok but I’ve very stressful about it all. More on that later.

I feel like I either want to  jump out of my skin or sleep for then entire year.

And my back feel like shit.

Man I do complain a lot.

Is anyone else out there as fragile as I am? I’m beginning to seriously question my sanity. That or the sheer amout of heavy things in my life is weighing me  down so hard that one more thing added to the list crumbles the house of cards I live in.

So after a night of rough sleep, back pain and being awake enough so that everything my cat did woke me up, getting dressed in clothes I didn’t feel like wearing but was too tired to do anything else, I set on my way to Starbucks. I love the workers at Pentagon Row Starbucks, they are usually so nice and cheery that it brightens me a little. But today there was ‘the guy’ and his friend there. I have no idea who this guy is, he works out at the Bally’s in Pentagon Row and I’ve seen him at SLDN benefits but this is the man, looks at least that I want to be. He is also charming and has a great voice and a smile that will brighten the night. He’s a little taller than me, so like 6′2 or 6′3. Impossibly small waist, maybe a 30, amazing arms that you can see under the button up blue shirt, full head of thick red hair, flat stomach and not disporportanate chest. Seeing him always sends me into such a tail spin that I know that my day is going to have a cloud over it and that I’ll end up posting my annoyances to try and get it out of my system.

And there are so many factors about him, and the other factors in my life that I assume that he has no problem with.
Looks are awesome, using near correct true meaning of the word.
Obviously has a partner, i can inly assume that this was his bf and not just a friend as I always see them together.
No problem with money, the clothes and shoes were not substandard.
Sounded like he had a great job that takes him traveling a lot.

And so many other things.

Yes I have a great life but I can’t help that I’m pissing it away. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to learn to accept me for who I am, that this is it and that it’s not going to change. It inhibits me so much.

I just had one of those waking dream moments and in it I’m walking somewhere and Spensor Pratt and Heidi Montag pass me and stop me and ask me if i know who they are. I do, but I say that I don’t and they get, like I thought they would, pissed. He starts to go on about how he’s going to be the next Brad Pitt and she’s going to be a star. I just continue to pretend not to know them and they get angrier and more beligerant until he pushes me a little. So then I get pissed and punch him in the face and he cries. There happens to be a cop nearby who vouches that I didn’t start anything. It makes me happy.

I mean, really? Who the fuck are these people and why the hell should I care? The comments that he’s made have been astounding in their utter stupidity. His naked, and lets admit it – not attractive wife, is art but Picasso isn’t? It’s nice to have someone other than Jon Gossilin (I can’t be bothered to check the spelling on that) in the news but these people are just so incredibly stupid and vapid. Do they know that NO ONE cares about them? That America is just watching them and laughing. I want to get in their heads and find out how deliusional they are about themselves. I want them to go away.

Began to post the journal archives so you will soon be able to read many years of my crazy insane rambling. Wheeeeee.

I have been meaning to get these up online for awhile and I guess it takes wisdom teeth and cat that WILL NOT let me sleep to get this done.

Needless to say San Diego Comic Con was an outstanding time last year and here are some stress relief moments.

mov06592_01

omg can i be more neurotic about life in general? jesus. i have a cat now and I’m freaked that I’m going to have this thing in my life the next, say 12 years or so. No wonder I can’t find a boyfriend. Actually I can’t wait till i get home and get to play with him but since I’ve only had dogs, I’m used to having to play with it all the time and walk things and so I feel odd leaving alone and I feel shackled to a cat. Not that I ever am gone for more than a day at a time and I have my best friend 6 minutes away but still I fret. But he is a very cute boy. One eye and all.
Ug.

So the gay mafia talked to me yesterday. By this is mean that there is a group of gay guys at my gym woh always hang out and chat between sets or machines. I’ve seen some at the SLDN dinner but in all the time that I’ve been there I’ve never been able to get into the group. I feel like a high school girl because all I want is to have more gay friends and people to work out with and here they are all in one. So this one guy comes up and asks if I’m larry from high school or college, i don’t recall. We exchange small banter and continue on our way. So we shall see what this brings. It’s totally silly but makes the gym a little more fun.

There is the cutest woman that I have seen for the past few days at Starbucks in the morning. I would say that she is in her 60s maybe. She reminds me a little of a squished Janet Reno. Anyway, she has something like parkensens or something because there is something a little off about her walk and maybe something a little slow in the develpment area, but that may be a product of whatever she has.  Anyway, today I saw her and she had the most amazing smile on her face, and as I recall she always has a smile, and when she paid she was using a (RED) starbucks card and that just got me. I am looking for a way to talk to her and … well i dont know what but I can’t help but think that seeing her everyday and even just waving hello would make my day.

I cooked. Not using my scary oven but the toaster oven. I made Lemon Chicken. It was good. I’ve regressed into 5th grade english too. Creepy.

I think too much. And not about ways to save the world but about the stupid things that aren’t true but for some reason I make them so. I project this miserability (new word) on my life and by doing so I make myself believe that it’s true. Things are, in reality, quite good, I suppose, but I have these insane threads to the past that I can’t seem to let go of or move them into the proper category. The-one-that-got-away texted me the other week for my birthday and I hadn’t talked to him in ages. We dated back in 1992 but it was just nice and since that time we’ve been friends and he now has a child with his partner and I’ve so very happy for him but feeling a little … juvenile by the whole thing. I was an idiot in regards to him and no, i’m not as crazy about him as I sound. Actually when we were texting I realized that I was happy for him and didn’t feel any of the jealous pangs or anything.

Dammit, I hate when I get distracted. So I think too much. Why I hate birthdays. Why is it that when i’m nice to some people I get totally shat on. Why everyone thinks I’m a pompous ass. Why I still think that when someone near me is laughing, they are laughing at me. Krazy.

Work needs to calm down dammit.

i am so not happy with being depressed.
go diagram that sentence.

im sorry to everyone if I’ve been off and hermity the past few days, weeks?, I’m working on it.

Everyone. I only know one person who reads this and that sentiment goes to you for sure. I’m not who I used to be nor want to be. I’m working on it.

So another one has come and gone and I think I made it through this one without crying  into a pint of soy ice cream. Wait I don’t think I’ve ever done that. Im more a Hendricks or Jamesons. And that I had a lot of.

I started the weekend off by taking thursday and friday off because I had reached my vacation limit of 320 hours. Yes I work too much. Thrsday was a fun day of going to get my brakes fixed and putting together a bunch of furniture at my mother’s house. Wheeeee.

This post is rife with sarcasm btw.

I dont even know what I did that night but it probably involved alcohol and LOTRO or a book.

Friday was hanging out at the mall with my friend and then heading back to her house to watch cheesy movies. Like girl cheesy movies. That all involve love. And finding that one guy. So, yes, as I was sitting there watching some Cinderella-esqe update with Hillary Duff and she finds the love of her life I get all misty eyed. I’ve deemed this situation White Horse syndrome. I think I read that somewhere. I want a man to come by and sweep me off my feet and actually add something to my life. I know that this is an impossiblilty and that everyone, even something I read this morning on gay.com, says not to expect perfection but I really don’t think that I’ve asking for too much. And if the real dates that I’ve been on recently are any indication, I’m going to invest in a lot of lube because it’s goin to be masturbation for me. But I’m still going to try. I won’t give up. I think that’s why I get along with my friends in a happy sexual way. Well used to. One moved away and the sexual part was downgraded to just friendship with the other. Where was I going with this…

Saturday, the actual birthday, I was torn with what to do. I ended up going to Harper’s Ferry and walking around and doing some good brain cleansing. It was nice. Came home, began to clean the house and then went to Town with a friend. It was ok. I just don’t like a lot of people. Not like crowds, I don’t mind them, I just really generally hate people. Gay people especially since I am gay and see a lot of them.

Sunday met with the mom for breakfast then a movie. Met a friend for dinner. Got a text from the-one-that-got-away who sent a pic of his 1 year old son. It was actually very nice and the kid was so cute. Being that he and I dated like 17 years ago and my memory is distorted he may not have been the-one-that-got-away but he was my first love and broke my heart. Or I let him or maybe I broke it so he wouldn’t be able to. Whatever. We’re friends.

The dating will continue. Or not. Who knows. I’m more excited about saving for a new computer than I am meeting a guy so that could be indicitive of something I suppose.