Gripe

Is anyone else out there as fragile as I am? I’m beginning to seriously question my sanity. That or the sheer amout of heavy things in my life is weighing me  down so hard that one more thing added to the list crumbles the house of cards I live in.

So after a night of rough sleep, back pain and being awake enough so that everything my cat did woke me up, getting dressed in clothes I didn’t feel like wearing but was too tired to do anything else, I set on my way to Starbucks. I love the workers at Pentagon Row Starbucks, they are usually so nice and cheery that it brightens me a little. But today there was ‘the guy’ and his friend there. I have no idea who this guy is, he works out at the Bally’s in Pentagon Row and I’ve seen him at SLDN benefits but this is the man, looks at least that I want to be. He is also charming and has a great voice and a smile that will brighten the night. He’s a little taller than me, so like 6’2 or 6’3. Impossibly small waist, maybe a 30, amazing arms that you can see under the button up blue shirt, full head of thick red hair, flat stomach and not disporportanate chest. Seeing him always sends me into such a tail spin that I know that my day is going to have a cloud over it and that I’ll end up posting my annoyances to try and get it out of my system.

And there are so many factors about him, and the other factors in my life that I assume that he has no problem with.
Looks are awesome, using near correct true meaning of the word.
Obviously has a partner, i can inly assume that this was his bf and not just a friend as I always see them together.
No problem with money, the clothes and shoes were not substandard.
Sounded like he had a great job that takes him traveling a lot.

And so many other things.

Yes I have a great life but I can’t help that I’m pissing it away. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to learn to accept me for who I am, that this is it and that it’s not going to change. It inhibits me so much.